Friday, October 7, 2011

Me vs My Mind vs Food

So today I have been very down in the dumps. Though as positive as I have tried to be for the upcoming death anniversary of my Mother next week today it has gotten the best of me. Of course the first thing I think about is food, BUT I have NOT caved and binged or anything but the thought is still there.  I haven't been this down in a long time, but it is the first time I have not gone straight to food. It is extremely hard to fight those thoughts that you have always given into.  I do have to admit the only thing that is stopping me is knowing I weigh in the morning.  I know if I didn't have to do that I probably would be waking up tomorrow regretting choices I made tonight and wishing I could go back and stop myself. So for that I am so very thankful for Weight Watchers. I can not wait though to be able to not let food be my first thought to ease my pain, loneliness, or bordem.  How do you fight your own mind? How do you re-program yourself to find other outlets? I was reading on the Weight Watcher message boards the other day and my challenge leader from one of the challenges I'm in brought up "Overeaters Anonymous".  She talked about how she went to a meeting many years ago and one of the first steps like AA is admitting you are powerless over food. Then she went on to say this:

"I just have a really big problem with that.

Now don’t get me wrong. I have a seriously screwed up relationship with food. Totally, completely, breathtakingly screwed up. I have since I was a little girl. And I know it.

I understand admitting to being powerless over alcohol. You can come to the understanding that if you have even one sip of alcohol, you will not be able to control the outcome of that choice. You can abstain.

But there is no way to abstain from food.

So in my opinion, I cannot admit to being powerless over it.

Instead, I have to find a way to GAIN control over food and RETAIN control over food. I suspect that it will always be a tenuous control, but I don’t know how to look at it any other way."

I completely agree to that but not just gain control over food but of the thoughts I have about food. There is a relationship there that I have made up in my mind that tends to be comforting to me at the point of consumption but then afterwards regret.  So not only can I not walk away from food because it has been detrimental to me I have to learn to not have that relationship anymore.  If I could only find where the re-start button was in my brain and just completly wipe the slate clean, but this is a process that is going to take a while for me to get through.

One day I will be able to say I won the battle against, not food, but MYSELF!

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