Friday, October 7, 2011

Me vs My Mind vs Food

So today I have been very down in the dumps. Though as positive as I have tried to be for the upcoming death anniversary of my Mother next week today it has gotten the best of me. Of course the first thing I think about is food, BUT I have NOT caved and binged or anything but the thought is still there.  I haven't been this down in a long time, but it is the first time I have not gone straight to food. It is extremely hard to fight those thoughts that you have always given into.  I do have to admit the only thing that is stopping me is knowing I weigh in the morning.  I know if I didn't have to do that I probably would be waking up tomorrow regretting choices I made tonight and wishing I could go back and stop myself. So for that I am so very thankful for Weight Watchers. I can not wait though to be able to not let food be my first thought to ease my pain, loneliness, or bordem.  How do you fight your own mind? How do you re-program yourself to find other outlets? I was reading on the Weight Watcher message boards the other day and my challenge leader from one of the challenges I'm in brought up "Overeaters Anonymous".  She talked about how she went to a meeting many years ago and one of the first steps like AA is admitting you are powerless over food. Then she went on to say this:

"I just have a really big problem with that.

Now don’t get me wrong. I have a seriously screwed up relationship with food. Totally, completely, breathtakingly screwed up. I have since I was a little girl. And I know it.

I understand admitting to being powerless over alcohol. You can come to the understanding that if you have even one sip of alcohol, you will not be able to control the outcome of that choice. You can abstain.

But there is no way to abstain from food.

So in my opinion, I cannot admit to being powerless over it.

Instead, I have to find a way to GAIN control over food and RETAIN control over food. I suspect that it will always be a tenuous control, but I don’t know how to look at it any other way."

I completely agree to that but not just gain control over food but of the thoughts I have about food. There is a relationship there that I have made up in my mind that tends to be comforting to me at the point of consumption but then afterwards regret.  So not only can I not walk away from food because it has been detrimental to me I have to learn to not have that relationship anymore.  If I could only find where the re-start button was in my brain and just completly wipe the slate clean, but this is a process that is going to take a while for me to get through.

One day I will be able to say I won the battle against, not food, but MYSELF!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

I want to be a loser!!

So I know it was just a day ago that I posted but this will be short just a little something I wanted to say.

 I have just finished watching "The Biggest Loser" and honestly it was the first time I have watched the show all the way through. In the past I have attempted to watch this show I would turn it off thinking to myself "You have no right to watch this show when you are doing nothing for yourself."  After watching and pretty much crying through the whole thing I have realized that though my results are not as fast as theirs I have taken that step to become healthier. To see the desperation, doubt, determination, strength, and perseverance they all have is exactly how I feel/felt. I have been desperate for years to get my act together. I have doubted myself over and over that I would never be able to stick to something. I am determined to go all the way and never look back. I know I have the strength to get through this. Last , though I know the road ahead of me is long and there are going to be many obstacles, I WILL PERSEVERE.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Back on course FULL FORCE!!

I'm baaaaaaack...........I went a little off track for a while not sure why but it happened. I stopped taking things seriously and got comfortable with just "getting by" every week at my weigh-ins. I kept playing around with about 3lbs gaining then loosing for several weeks. I have spent the last 2 weeks working on getting back to the mindset I had when I first started and I knew I needed to amp it up. So in order to do so I started FINALLY working out this week. Not only having a workout regimen but also taking other steps to get more activity in my everyday life. So that being said I completely ditched using this elevator at work. Though I am only on the second floor and going up just one flight of stairs just that little change gives me a more sense of taking control besides just with my food. The change has definitely made a difference and I am down another 2.4 lbs for a grand total of 34 lbs.

My mother's birthday was just last week (September 16th) and it was the first time in almost 8 years that the day didn't seem to just break me down. I guess knowing that I have finally started to take control of my life and not just feeding myself to death has given me a more sense of peace.  I know she would be proud of me and would be my biggest cheerleader. It doesn't change how much I miss her and grieve over not having her. I guess the real realization will be on October 15th the anniversary day of her death. I always seem to do worse on that day than her birthday. Though it still is a sad day I don't feel the sense of dread I normally feel when that day is approaching.

I want to end this off today with a big THANK YOU to ALL my cheerleaders. I have such a wonderful group of people that have non-stop been by my side not only with my weight loss but just life in general. One of my biggest cheerleaders is my Aunt she not only supports me but she is taking the journey with me. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have her in my life she really is my best friend and though we have had our ups and downs in the past I think our relationship is stronger than it has ever been! I love you Aunt Lori!

Monday, July 11, 2011

Do you believe in yourself?

That is a question I have asked myself many times. Each time I went into a diet I always went in with doubts that I could go all the way with it so in the end I never did. But this time was different I was excited to join Weight Watchers and excited to see the end result. I went into it this time KNOWING I would succeed and finally go all the way! 

So today was my 16th meeting with Weight Watchers and I lost another 3lbs to put my grand total of weight loss at 33.8 pounds. I am so proud of myself for all I have accomplished in the last 16 weeks not just the weight loss but the other changes I have made. I have a new sense of self confindence knowing that only I can change what I don't like about myself and that in itself is the control I have always thought I had. All these years of thinking I was in control of myself I wasn't, I was out of control. Not only with my weight but with my choices I made. I never really thought anything through or really took into account the consequences my choices have given me. I hate that it has taken me till 27 years old to come to this realization but hey better late then never right? I can not let my set backs be my excuses anymore. AGAIN, I am the only one who controls how things affect me. My mother's death really has played a huge part in my whole thinking process. I have let it be the excuse to everything. "Oh I just gorged myself to death on all that food" Its ok I have lost my mother. "Oh I just lost my temper for no good reason" Its ok I have lost my mother. For me that is not ok anymore. She wouldn't want that for me she wouldn't want me always dwelling on loosing her. Yes it was ok to grieve but not take it to the extremes I have.

So back to the question in hand: Do you believe in yourself?

Yes, yes I do! I believe whole heartedly in myself. I just like anyone will have my days of doubt, but this time the good always out "weighs" the bad!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

A Journey has to start somewhere!

So here I am writing my very first blog though I have not even the slightest clue how to. I don't know what to write or how to write it or if anyone will even want to read it. So ultimately I am doing this for me to unload and share. So here goes nothing......

I will start off with introducing myself. My name is Kristi, I will be 28 next month and I joined Weight Watchers March 12,2011 and I want to share this journey with whomever wants to share it with me. My weight has been a issue for me since I was a teenager. I guess it all started when my parents divorced that when I started putting on weight. Then it started to multiply October 15, 2003. That is the day my mother passed away. Like me she had been battling her weight and had taken a last resort with weight loss surgery.  She had been given 5 years to live as the result of pulmonary hyper-tension on top of other illnesses she had.  I begged her not to do it, but her mind was made up. Little did she know she was putting her life in the hands of a doctor who had only a weekend seminar training lesson on this type of surgery. In the end she passed away from complications a month after the surgery. From then on I have steadily packed on the pounds. I have had numerous failed attempts at diets and even as far as weight loss surgery myself though mine was much more less invasive than hers.

Yes I know....Why?? Why would I do that after losing my mother. Well the only answer I can give you is that subconsciously I think I was trying to become her. I didn't have any success with the surgery and now wish I had never done it.

So jump forward to today July 9, 2011 sitting here 31 pounds lighter than I was when I started my new life in March. Maybe sometime I will share with you what I weighed to begin with but I am just not ready to do that yet! But I am ready to share this whole journey with everyone. I find it will be a way to hold me even more accountable for my actions throughout this journey. I don't know how often I plan to "blog" it could be once a day, week, month, but I will use this as my outlet to let everything out. Whether it be happiness, sadness, frustration, disappointment, or just a plain ramble session.
Thank you ahead of time for anyone who wants to listen, comment, give suggestions, or support!!